Bye Daddy

There is something from Friday night that has been coming back to me.

When my wife actually left with our son, my first reaction wasn't instant enlightenment.

There was anger in there.

How dare you go?

How dare you call me an alcoholic?

That's uncomfortable to write now because she was right.

Then my son turned and looked at me.

And said:

"Bye Daddy."

He wasn't just looking at me. He was looking into me.

That's how it felt.

I knew he knew.

I need to be careful with that sentence because he's six and I cannot know what was actually going through his head.

He may not know what it is.

But I believe he knows something is wrong with Daddy.

I said almost exactly that to my wife's friend at swimming a few days later.

And the thought that keeps coming back is:

how could i have done this to our precious little boy.

I don't have a clever ending for that.

That's just what I feel.